Quieting the Imposter Syndrome

Here it comes again; that voice in my head telling me I don’t belong here.

Edgewalkers, I have a confession to share to all of you. I struggle with Imposter Syndrome.

Before speaking engagements, when I facilitate meetings, when I share experiences, even as I write this blog article, the voices in my head show up telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about and that I have no business doing what I do. I liken this experience to Author Natalie Goldberg’s “monkey mind.” She describes monkey mind as follows:

Don’t be tossed away by your monkey mind. You say you want to do something—“I really want to be a writer”—then that little voice comes along, “but I might not make enough money as a writer.” “Oh, okay, then I won’t write.” That’s being tossed away. These little voices are constantly going to be nagging us. If you make a decision to do something, you do it. Don’t be tossed away. But part of not being tossed away is understanding your mind, not believing it so much when it comes up with all these objections and then loads you with all these insecurities and reasons not to do something. (Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within).

Monkey mind is always knocking on my door, challenging my beliefs, skills, abilities, competencies and experiences.

I recently had the opportunity to interview for a position within my organization. I know I have the skills and abilities to totally crush it in the position I was applying for. But even when I was sharing my experiences with the interviewers, monkey mind was banging on the door in my mind trying to challenge me.

Such voices are the nature of Imposter Syndrome. Can you relate to my story? Do you know the monkey mind of which Natalie Goldberg speaks? If you do, then at least rest assured that you are in good company, especially among Edgewalkers. We are no strangers to monkey mind. For better or worse, we place ourselves in positions of “first out of the gate.” When we are the first to volunteer for a new initiative, try a new project, facilitate a new discussion, or anything else, we are inviting monkey mind to provide a rebuttal which includes all the reasons we cannot possibly do what we set out to do. Monkey mind is a borderland bully who tells us to “go back to where you belong.” But borderland bullies are in the business of exaggerating the risks of proceeding. Monkey mind tells a convincing story but does not tell the truth.

Although monkey mind still hangs around, I find that over time, I have been able to ward off its offensive advances and accusations. I share some of my methods with you in the hope that you may use some of these tactics to develop your own planned resistance and overcome the crippling effects of Imposter Syndrome.

Invest in “self”

I used to spend a lot of time comparing myself to others. The result was that I was always stuck in a deficit reality where I was always lacking what other people seemed so good at. I longed to have the same skills and abilities, but I could never get to the same level as others. My perception was that there was always someone better. Leadership skills, managerial ability, technical knowledge, facilitation and teaching are all areas where monkey mind would show up and remind me, I am an imposter. This feeling of inferiority continuously crept into many different areas of my life. Wherever I saw somebody else’s strength, I also saw my deficits.

Over the past twenty or so years, I have spent more time focusing on myself. I am paying attention to my own calling, my own path. I discovered my own personal core values and how they work in my life, and these values have served as a tremendous resource. My core values have become the lens by which I interact with the world, the Creator and the people around me. Since I invested in learning who I truly am and how I am wired, I find it much easier to admire people for their skills and abilities instead of comparing myself and having a deficit mindset. I now focus on personal bests and continuous improvement as a lifelong learner. This investment repeatedly pays dividends.

 Perform a Skills Inventory

When I facilitate team conversations related to mission and vision statement development, I always ensure we spend time completing a team skills inventory. Without fail, the team comes away with a sense of their potential and all the things they are capable of. This sets in motion additional conversations about all the tapped and untapped abilities; often identified by the accomplishments already realized. With this kind of focus, it is exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, for monkey mind to maintain a foothold. Imposter syndrome slips into the shadows where it is powerless over the positivity of the team. This same principle holds true for the individual. By including a skills inventory in the process of focusing on self, we all have a list of the things we do well, and a glimpse into our full potential.

Write it down

I am a firm believer in journaling and writing. Just ten minutes each day provides a foundation for positivity and self-confidence. Writing about the successes of the day or week reminds me that I have accomplished something and am capable, skilled and talented. This is not an exercise in boasting, but it is a firm reminder that I belong where I am, doing what I am doing. I was recently a recipient of a Deputy Minister’s Award, acknowledging my skills, abilities and contributions to my organization. I struggle with such recognition. I appreciate the sentiment, but monkey mind laughs and tells me I am a fraud. My Executive Director approached me and encouraged me to relish in the moment and enjoy the recognition. This was not a time to boast, but a time to reflect and appreciate who I am while I do the things I do.

Seek the wisdom of others

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I encourage everyone and anyone to live in community where healthy mentor relationships are valued. We all need mentors and mentees in our lives. I need wise mentors and Elders in my life to remind me of who I am and what I am capable of, as well as why I have been placed where I am. Sometimes my Elders are people I know. Sometimes they come in the form of ancient wisdom found in nature and walks alone with my Creator. I often find it difficult to confirm my abilities and purpose. I have hunches of my calling and how to use my skills and abilities, but only through the wisdom of my mentors and Elders do I truly realized my purpose. They remind me of who I am, where I have come from and how I can most effectively contribute along my journey. They are also able to point out when I am going down a path that is not beneficial for myself or others. Mentors and Elders serve as side mirrors to point out what I cannot see in the blind spots of life. When I listen to their wisdom, the result is that Imposter Syndrome does not gain a foothold.

Give yourself a break

Edgewalkers are perfectionists by nature. When it comes to finished products, we sometimes struggle to get there at all because we tend to focus the “room for improvement.” We always consider the imperfections in what we create. Stemming back to the 1970’s Imposter Syndrome was described as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept success. They often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others will eventually unmask them as a fraud. I have come to the place in my work and life where I am happy to have a rough product that is innovative rather than a polished, perfect product. Perfection is a mirage, and the pursuit of perfection is the pursuit of that which I will never attain. I have bowled a perfect game and do not consider myself a good bowler. I have achieved a hole-in-one and refuse to believe I am a good golfer. Yet, respectively, one cannot achieve better than either of these two. The key is to take time to appreciate small and large accomplishments and learn to celebrate.

Shift your mental model

Whenever I begin something new, especially a new job, I get an overwhelming sense of being in over my head, like I don’t know what I’m doing and am incapable. I lose sight of the fact that I am a work in progress. I forget that crossing the threshold requires taking the time to get used to new surroundings and circumstances. In my 23+ years and ten distinct positions as a public servant, I have experienced this every single time I started a new job. Janet Hagberg calls this the stage of powerlessness (Real Power, Janet Hagberg). In this time of powerlessness, I have felt trapped, insecure, dependent, uninformed and helpless. These feelings can all lead to low self-esteem, and this is where monkey mind loves to hang out. But hitting the ground running is a misnomer in life. The truth is that western culture has inflicted upon us all the injustice of expected perfection. When I first entered management, I thought I needed to prove myself to my employees, managers, peers, partners and stakeholders. I thought they expected perfection from me, and as a result expected perfection from myself too.

Recognizing that a stage of powerlessness when we enter new spaces in life is a mental model shift that we could all benefit from. But we fear being exposed as weak, a fraud or incapable. We fear the possibility that we truly are imposters. We can take tangible steps to make this shift. Finding allies who will support and inform us and finding mentors who will help us find our footing are two key steps to pushing back imposter syndrome. Asking questions instead of making assumptions is key to success, because let’s be honest, we truly do not know what we do not know when we enter the world of “new.” Appreciating ourselves and listening to our mentors are two final steps we can take towards success. These steps will all lead to skill development and positive self-esteem, which are both toxic for monkey mind. These steps also take time. Old mental models need to be changed gradually, especially if they are strong and deeply rooted.

Practice Contemplative Silence

I am not saying we should be quiet and let monkey mind have its way. I am not saying we should remain silent and succumb to the ways of Imposter Syndrome. When I speak of contemplative silence, I am referring to a mystic practice of meditation, contemplation and finding balance. We live in a world of words and deeds. Silent meditation tends to be reserved in our minds as a practice we associate with Eastern traditions. We can benefit from learning about such traditions. Contemplative silence is a practice we must pursue if we want to successfully dwell in these spaces in between; in the world where Edgewalkers tread, between the tangible and intangible, physical and spiritual realities. Franciscan priest and mystic Richard Rohr explains it this way:

To live in this primordial, foundational being, which I am calling silence, creates a kind of sympathetic resonance with what is right in front of us. Without it, we are just reacting instead of responding. The opposite of contemplation is not action, it is reaction. We must wait for pure action, which always proceeds from a contemplative silence. (Silence is Preferable, Richard Rohr).

The practice of contemplative silence draws our attention away from the distractions of monkey mind and Imposter Syndrome and redirects us to inner and outer mystic voices. These mystic voices tell us of our deeper created purposes, skills, abilities and potential. In the space of contemplative silence, we draw power from our Creator, or Great Mystery as I have heard reference from Lakota teachings. I encourage all of you as Edgewalkers to tap into this mystic, spiritual energy that surges within and around us. Contemplative silence leads us back to our core values, the foundation for balance in our lives. We do not need to understand the nature of this energy, but respect and appreciation are a good enough start. This is one of the key practices in my life, and I find that it is an effective combatant of Imposter Syndrome.

Friends, fellow Edgewalkers, we are called to exist in the liminal spaces of the in-between, beyond policies and logic. Ours is the world of mushy emotions and logic that remain as unset concrete, always pliable and changing. We will continuously be challenged by the voices in our heads that tell us to get out of the liminal spaces, that we do not belong here. The challenge we must reckon with is that not everyone can fill this space, but it is a space that must nevertheless be filled. So, if we who have been gifted with our abilities do not remain here in this battlefield, then I ask you: where will we go, to what end, and who will take our place?

Donovan Mutschler, MA

For more information on the content or processes included in this article contact Donovan Mutschler at donovan@edgewalkers.ca.

Title photo credit: Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash